Of Dull Companionship and Individual Company
by Alice Spinnet
Summary: What if you had to give up the one person you truly loved? A futuristic slash ficlet with mild language. Enjoy..


Author: Alice Spinnet  
Date: 11/1/2002  
Rating: R  
Warnings: slash  
Genre: Angst/Romance  
Summary: Reflective monologue  
Notes: Enjoy..  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine..not mine..   
  
"Seemingly enjoyable days  
Turn bitter at night  
A lonely feeling  
Much worse, knowing I can't change it."  
  
-Zoe's Big Malf   
  
**

Of Dull Companionship and Individual Company

**   
  
And every time I think back, I'm jaded and compelled to reconsider the decision I made, even after all the years of loneliness; all the years of silence, and all the years of the tragic love story gone sour, I find myself wondering, day after day, if it was worth it. I ask myself time and time again how it would feel to be with you once more, to have you in my arms and to know that you love me in return; but the answer is always the same, unknown. _Always._   
  
As I sit on the empty windowsill of my lovely estate, buried deep in the thickness of Scotland's lands, I watch the familiar scenery outside me transform; from fall, to winter, to spring, and back to autumn. Each time the leaves turn and fall, my hopes rise, and each time my heart sinks just a little deeper into despair. What is the use of such a large house if I am not to appreciate and share it with someone special? _I do not know. _   
  
Above I can hear the birds sing melodically and the humming of a lawnmower in the distance; the noise immediately becomes irritating and I ignore the consistent _thump thump_ of the front door, if it's not you, it's not worth it. No matter how much I hope, how much I dream, it's never worth it. _Never._   
  
So here I sit, again, knees curled up next the furnace, gazing yet again at the familiar view from the windowsill. Someone will eventually open the door. It's not really my responsibility, not _really anymore._ But regardless, I get up as I hear voices calling, drying the tears from my eyes, I get up, my legs stiff from the long hours of individual company.   
  
I quickly wonder how life has been treating you; if you've ever thought of me at all. Even if it was a little distant glimpse of the past; even if it was just my face, I hope you recall those memories. I hope you reminisce sometimes, and wonder what I'm doing too.   
  
It doesn't matter though, does it?   
  
No, I guess not.   
  
The door's waiting, and gently I pick up the wand on the table, and apparate to the ground floor. The door is wide open, and dripping wet in front of my lawn is Hermione Granger; Hogwarts friend, lifelong companions, etc, purely platonic, and I like it that way.   
  
I mechanically invite her in, and randomly ask a house elf to fetch some tea. Finally, warm and cozy, she begins.   
  
"Hi," she says quietly.   
  
"Hello," I reply.   
  
"I _was_ intending to sit and ask you how your life was for you, but clearly your behavior has indicated that my presence isn¡¯t really needed. I think it¡¯d be best if you just lie low for a while, take a break, think a bit. You deserve it."   
  
"Alright."   
  
It was barely a whisper; I'm surprised she could hear me. And she left me there to my thoughts. Am I still loved? Adored? By all those of the wizarding society when we were young? I'm rich enough to treat the entire wizarding world to dinner and still have enough to spare, but it's not enough. You're missing.   
  
It was a strange decision, and one made with love and thought and care. I remember the day we thought people would embrace everything. _Everything. _ Especially since I'm "The Boy Who Lived." It's all a load of rubbish. All of it.   
  
But I'll never forget that night, like many nights, like all the nights. I keep them locked safely in my head until I'm ready to think about them. I'm not ready yet, I'm still preparing for the mental anguish it would bring.   
  
Enough is enough. I haven't accomplished anything today, and I must go out to London to purchase some dress robes for the Seeker Ball. So I go, and there, in muggle London, next the subway is _you. _ You're still perfection, age hasn't touched you at all. And you're happy; you're leading a life I wish I had. You've finally made an appearance for me, one that shows exactly what you've become.   
  
You've moved on.   
  
Well that's obvious, only prats like yourself would bother to continue waiting.   
  
Time will never harm you, nor your appearance, nor your life. I envy that of you. I envy the people next to you, laughing gaily at your humor comments.   
  
I hope one day I can see you alone, talk to you, and just hold your hand. Walking, with no obstructions.   
  
And someday, I will. You're my soul mate, and we've known that for fifteen years. Fifteen _fucking_ years of waiting.   
No wonder you've moved on, I should have too. But I just can't.   
  
You're still beautiful, you'll always be. May the dark mark rest peacefully on your arm, and we exist as we do until we meet again, for I am certain we will. If not on earth, then when we die.   
  
I don't know why I gave you up; I don¡¯t know why I decided friends and family were better than love. But, I knew, we knew that it was in the best interest of the wizarding world. At that time. That time has ended, Draco, now it is time that we reunite. Nothing, _nothing, _ exceeds that of what I feel for you right now. Do you hear me? _Nothing. _ I ask not of pity, not of sorrow, just an afternoon, maybe tea sometime. Wouldn¡¯t that be nice?   
  
I always wondered what life would be like if we didn't choose the paths we did, if we tried to run away. I'd give it all up, you know, everything I have right now, just for you. Would you do the same for me?   
  
I guess it's pointless to dwell, we'll never know anyway.   
  
Until then, I still live only for you, my life revolves around you; and it always will.   
  
Love Always,   
  
  
Harry Potter   
  
  


~fin~ 

  
You all remember those stories where Draco and Harry get together, and when they graduate, they choose their paths, "the decision..." so I wrote one on what would happen if they chose to part...even though they still love each other. I know it's angsty..   
  
Review! 


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